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Thought [29 Mar 2008|05:36pm] Am I angry because I got caught. Or because I knew I was wrong? I personally think she overreacts. But correction, this is an on going thing, and I do keep on eating in my room.I know it's not the biggest deal, but it apparently was to her since Jessica is getting kicked out and I am threatened.My dad is highly disturbed my this, it's putting him into a bad situation. He asked me to vent to him, and for the first time, I just listened. I didn't interrupt him (like normal), I just stood there, watching him. It's like the more he vented the higher his blood sugar went, which made his face twice as red. If he had a heart attack in front of me, because something that I did to upset him, I couldn't live with myself. IMPATIENCE Why are we impatient? Why can't we just live life as it is? Even when it isnt an appointment we're anxious to get to. Always wanting to DO something, to GO somewhere. I think it's just an attempt to show ourselves off to others. Also known as instinct. I think this as I tell people to be ready, they arnt when they should be, and now we're late. For what? To shop...That I can go ALMOST everyday. But today I feel is special because I have the night off. But the last thing I want to do is sit on a computer typing, checking emails, looking up hot guys that I would never get with and would never double look me unless it was to see what the hell I was wearing, or how I did my makeup. But this, secretly, does NOT bother me. I dont want the cute boys that everyone thinks is dreamy. I dont want "tall dark and handsome" or The three B's "blonde blue and built" I want "him" Haha. It's hard to explain. But I feel I can do a better job if I write it down. I dont want the norm. Or out of the norm. I want the one that will catch my eye. Which might be norm. to everyone else, but when i look at him i see EVERYTHING he is and will be. I know. I should be puking. But even ice princesses want to eventually be with someone. Thank god I Have the PATIENCE to wait. I dont go after people because I patiently wait around for something to happen. I live day to day with everything happening, eventually what I would like to happen, will. PAINFUL THINKING I think about Andy alot, and how perfect he was, but how un perfect he was. let me try to begin explaining. We met online, we were SO good together. Never had a dull moment in conversation, loved the same things, the exact same people, or so I thought. He told me before that he used to be a player "before his gaming days" he described it. So, that should have been sign one. Anyways. I ended up saving up alot of money, and driving to his house in Melbourne and spent the night. I felt, it would be right, to kiss him. He kissed back. What he didn't tell me was me kissing him was inappropriate and I should have waited to kiss him. instead he indulged my wanting for him and let me kiss him again. It was the next day and I was told by a mutual friend that I should wait. I should have listened. After I left, he was distant, not talkative at all. Then it happened, he deleted me off his myspace, and blocked me. Refusing to talk to me or tell anyone but this mutual friend what was wrong. I FINALLY found out why he was being bitter and ignoring me. He felt I was a "stalker" and it was "weird" that i kissed him that night? and other things he didn't understand made him feel this way. Knowing even if he accepted my answers to this accusation, I still would never want to talk to him like I did before. But I had to let him know, I was NOT obsessed with him. In which he turned immature with others. -the end- Signs I should have listened to (a) He got sick the day I was sposed to go (b) his family made him go out of town with them the next time I was sposed to visit him (c) he had ANOTHER fever the next time I was sposed to go with him (d) he didnt hug me upon first meeting me (e) I should have slept on the other couch instead of sleeping next to him, he offered to sleep on either. (f) I was told by a friend of his that I should not have kissed him, and should'nt do it again. informing him we've talked about this before and he didn't know what he was talking about. Outcome, the end of Andy. Im not wise. but I believe instinct makes you wise, but so do mistakes? Or do mistakes only help you learn. But learning is how you become wise? But being wise isnt book smarts. Its knowledge of life. Im 18 years old, ive only began my life. Even though the one ive had has been a very appreciative. 1 Fix your |Make-up

[29 Mar 2008|12:07am] It's today, of all days. Ive decided. Im writing again. And not just "bloging" and bitching about my day. These will mean something to me. So I can look back and read my journal and say "wow. I wasnt just a blabbering idiot" The end. Not sure when ill start. but this is my attempt. Make-up

[30 Aug 2007|03:18pm] "I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white Pull me out from inside I am ready (repeat 3 times) I am taffy stuck and tongue tied Stutter shook and uptight Pull me out from inside I am ready I am ready I am ready I am ready I am fine I am covered in skin No one gets to come in Pull me out from inside I am folded and unfolded and unfolding I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white Pull me out from inside I am ready I am ready I am ready I am ready I am fine I am fine I am fine" :-D Im kinda happy...well kinda. Im getting a second job....working my ass off. saving up $10,000... hopefully. *sigh* I really feel i need something....I started reading a book really...really. good. Opened my eyes... I just spent $82 on books, instead of saving it for my tattoo. I feel i need something. 2 Fix your |Make-up

[26 Aug 2007|05:19pm] *Sigh* I come home...on time. As in...I'm able to get ready real quick (as in get out of my stupid work clothes) and quickly put my phone on a charger so I could get Toms number, make sure i know where it is, go there alittle early and yeah. Hopefully like the place. But no....Gracelynn waited ALL day and put this wax stuff on the fucking floor that takes an hour to dry. So. I couldent charge my phone, or change, or get online or anything. So no church. >.< Im kinda pissed...actualy im REALLY pissed. whatever. Make-up

[17 Aug 2007|02:35am] So on a last decision basis...instead of getting my tattoo, I was kinda invited to go to Tampa. Alone, no Bebe or Mike. Just hanging out with Chris by myself. Meaning. I got all of the attention.. I was making him smile and laugh. He asked ME what I wanted to do. He only talked to me. He was so sweet. He was always smiling He's everything I want to just be mine He doesnt have to try to impress anyone, he already impresses me. But no, he doesnt realize that Or maybe even if he knew i would do....anything to fucking be his. He wouldent even care. I mean you cant just randomly sleep with someone twice and make out with them 4 times And actualy have a good time...laughing...and cuddling, and putting his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead.... And then just not like the person AT ALL. Why cant my mind not do this to me.... fuck. these two days were great...I want to relive them.... Make-up

P.S. Im moving out in january. [06 Aug 2007|07:36pm] Im getting my car then moving in with kaira. Heres my revised work days This week Tuesday-jensen beach 9-6 Wed-10-2 Thursday-jensen beach 9-6 Fri-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEACH!!!! Sat-9:30-6:30 Sun-4-8 Next week 8/13 mon-9-6 GARDEN!!!!! Tues-2:15-8:15 GARDEN!!! wed-OFF thurs-OFF fri-6-11am sat-7-12 SELF CHECKOUT sun-9:30-6:30 3 Fix your |Make-up

I guess its time to grow up [02 Aug 2007|09:22pm] ....As I said. It's time to grow up. Is 18 considered an adult or not? It doesn't matter. I can't live here. Im treated like an adult and a child. I hate him. I hate them. im always sad. HE left without saying goodbye, HE left without saying anything. I said bye, I said something. Im looking for an appartment... I found acouple places with people looking for roomies. I think i might do that Make-up

[29 Jul 2007|08:59pm] week 3 8/06 mon-12:30pm-6:30 (6) tues-off (7) wed-10:00-7:00. lunch from 2:30-3:30 (8) thursday-off (9) friday-off (10) sat-9:30-6:30 lunch-2-3 (11) sun.-11:00-8:00. lunch 3-4 (12) Im trying to get the 11th off...so i can go see chris. the kid from jupitar is kinda getting annoying... I think he might be cute in person...but i dont know. I just..im loosing interest in him every time i talk to him.... I seriously think theres something wrong with me Make-up

Mommy [27 Jul 2007|11:13pm] I miss you, i wish you knew that even though you do drugs, I love you. even thought you left me here....i love you. I want you to say i love you jelly bean...and i love you up to the stars and all the way around the moon. ...I just...wish you were here that's all. Id support you. Id hold your hair when you puke from doing cocaine and whatever else... Id bring you your oxygen when you start coughing so hard that you cant breathe. Ill hold your hand threw your cancer treatments.. and if its bad and you need kemo...Ill shave my hair off with you. I want to tell you about my love life and my friends. I want to tell you about how much ive grown...I want to sign alladin for you and watch you cry ...you would've bein so happy if you saw me walk accross the stage. I randomly think about you... and i cry...ill cry and cry and be depressed. and wonder where you are and what you're doing. Mommy...I dont care what you do...I just want to hug you...i want to follow you when you disappear. I want YOU there with me to get my first tattoo.... You're going to be my first tattoo. so you'll always be with me.... I do miss you alot....i want to look for you. ....do you even want me to find you I still call you mommy...and it hurts to talk about you...it hurts even more when i pretend like nothings wrong. im sleeping now Make-up

[25 Jul 2007|03:43am] eclipse is coming out in 20 something days lifes okay I talk to chris...ALOT. now..he's kinda my life. Im going to tampa the 10-12 ...he has court on the 13th. I should ask him if he's taking off work or what not....cause it'll be boring..all those hours alone. :( We're moved into graces house...we just need our rooms built...and this will be my place of address..allen st. Not Kamchatka ave....something doesnt feel right about any of it. I hate it actualy. She's not even a good step mom..she drove me one place, one time. This sucks. i work at homedepot now...9 hour shifts. Cashier position...im training all this week. I have so many courses to take. But i get close to $400 a week...before taxes. if i stick to homedepot and save i can get my car and slowly start saving for classes after fall semester. Its going to disappoint my dad that im not starting this semester...im just not ready... I know the insurance and all...but im starting classes...its not like im quiting school or anything. I read..and write alot now... I mostly talk to kaira and chris. me and bebe randomly talk but since she doesnt have a phone i dont call her. i text her from time to time cause somehow she still gets texts. its almost 4...i have work at 9.... Im so tired. i know this feeling..and im kinda scared...I need to go to bed at normal hours for now on... thats less time to talk to chris though.... *sigh* its money...and i need money..and they're nice there. everyone is... HOURS AND HOURS infront of a screen training...i hate it. heres my scheduale Week of the 23 mon-off tues-9-6 wed-9-6 thurs-off fri-9-6 sat-8-5 sun-8-5 week of the 30th mon-9:15-6:15 tues-off wed-6-3 thurs-10-7 fri-off sat-6:45-3:45 GARDEN sun-7-4 shoot me. Make-up

[06 Jul 2007|03:27pm] So ive decided, Im going to get the surgery done. It's $5000 for me. And I might be able to get something else for free. Im not telling anyone what it is. Yeah. :-D Sooooo life is good right now. Actualy its cause the guy i...well my fuck/cuddle buddy has feelings for me. and i for him. and we are both fine with him just randomly coming here. He just said alot of stuff to me last night..it made me happy. And im listening to staind. Fuck yes. Make-up

Everything is going to hell [18 Jun 2007|02:20pm] My life, this whole thing. Is going down. Like im on a plan and the red button is flashing saying mayday mayday were going down. I just dont know what to do anymore. I seriously dont. I cant even find a guy. Not like it's the most i want in life. But i'd really like a fucking boyfriend. I would be SUCH a good girlfriend. Why is it fat ugly bitches can get a guy..but i cant even get one to look at me. I feel like im invisible. And I fuck myself over. Big time. I met a guy through my friend. he was..awsome. Seriously. He is a really good guy, funny, actualy really hot, he does this lip thing that makes me laugh..he doesnt know though. But he has to live like...4 million hours away. well it's only like 2 hours. And when he comes here. I had sex with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. I could've had self control. But I didn't realise that I liked him so much. I dont even know the kid. well I do. lol I actualy know alot about him. asked him a shit load of questions. Blah. Why cant he live here. Nevermind lol. Even if he did there are ALOT better looking people than me. Yay for port st. lucie. Im writing a novel. About my stupidity. *sigh* Im just depressed. No i dont want a pill for it. I dont need a massage. Or therapy. I dont want a girls night out. But every second im not talking, im thinking. And everytime I think it makes me think of everything i want. I dont want alot. Blah. I just want to drive for hours, and hours. And where ever my gas runs out. is where I want to live. Man, I wish I could just....die. Not really i love life. But I dont know. I just...want to leave. Fuck me. Not literaly. *shoots self* Make-up

[18 Jun 2007|01:40pm] Everything is going to hell... -I have no job. and want one more than anything right now. -We went to islands of adventure and universal studios. -It was all about nina. -I ACCIDENTLY asked where the money came from...jes said gracelynn. I said good, I just wanted to make sure it wasnt daddys money..which nina went back and told gracelynn. So whatever. -I feel like my friends arnt my friends. I only have kaira, bebe, and amber. Which im fine with. Just wish those other people were still around etc. -Chris is depressed and noone knows why -nina says jess is a bad ma, and she hates everyone in this house. fuck her. -You know that saying from that song "this house is not a home" exactly what their saying is how i feel. -I just want to get away from everything.I want a job. so they can find something new to bitch at me for. -I got my period..and want to die. to do list ----------- -Get a job -Wash my car -get oil changed in 1,000 more miles -buy everyone gifts for b-days and fathers day -get a new, nice, pair of shoes -Figure out how to roll the septum ring into my nose -take a day..and give it to MYSELF. like addy tells me to do -get my hair cut blah. I need a boyfriend lmfao Make-up

[22 May 2007|09:38pm] I graduated Now here's the plan to start atleast the rest of '07. Tuesday 10:00 veronicas 8th grade graduation after that go to IRCC with ty ty and get info on student loans, aids etc. wed Job hunting Thursday Job hunting and hopefully haveing coffee with mama. friday more than likely bebe. saturday tori's graduation party NEXT WEEK monday pack for tampa tuesday dentist at 2:30 (im gunna try to get an earlier appointment.) THEN ON MY WAY TO TAMPA!!!!! till the 1st. june 2 ninas b-dy june 9th grduation/18th b-day party 12-14th gizzy, mine and my sister's b-day 19th bebes b-day and hopefully the weekend after that the tiki place -I went up to the college. To ask about the CPT etc. Turns out that cosmotology school is COMPLETELY different...I have to score a 9 or above on the temb(temp) which ever one. THEN I have to call the cosmotology department and sceduale an appointment with them to get accepted. Then I have to go up and apply for the classes turning in my application again...THEN i have to do like...two other things. -Bebe wants to move to tampa with mike when they get the money -Im GOING to work for 3 months...save up money...save the money buy college books....then move. Make-up

[17 May 2007|12:43pm] So...He came. And it was chilled. I cant say it was that romantic or anything but yeah... ( Read more... ) ...I started writing this. Im not telling you what happened :-D Unless your face to face with me. Heres life now TO DO LIST ------------ -Study for franklins exam tomorrow before class(i already did tonight) -See if my transcripts will be done by friday -leave school early -shave legs etc. -clean my room up alittle -wait for chris to call me...or at 2:30 im calling him. -start boxing things up -Get a full time job -wash my fucking car -get a oil change -Save up atleast $100 for tampa -Dont eat anymore junk food. >.< after today WORRY LIST ----------- -I wont pass franklins exam therefore not passing highschool -I get caught leaving campus and get in major doo doo -someone steals my identity Thoughts and shit that happened --------------------------------- -bebe has bein over alot -dad turnt my cell on and gave me $200 -Bought pizza and soda and put $35 in my tank. -went to bennyhannas it was cool Ill post pictures 1 Fix your |Make-up

my life as of now [08 May 2007|11:22pm] TO DO LIST ------------ -Study for franklins exam tomorrow before class(i already did tonight) -See if my transcripts will be done by friday -leave school early -shave legs etc. -clean my room up alittle -wait for chris to call me...or at 2:30 im calling him. -start boxing things up -buy extentions WORRY LIST ----------- -I wont pass franklins exam therefore not passing highschool -I get caught leaving campus and get in major doo doo -someone steals my identity Thoughts ---------- I kinda have a feeling chris isnt going to come tomorrow. even though bebe and mike and him all say he is...He got on tonight and like usual read my myspace message and never replied. so i sent him another one with my home number in it saying im getting outta school at 10. He's kinda my last hope...seriously. I WANT to hold his hand (big deal for me), I WANT a big hug from him, I WANT him to kiss ME. I WANT to walk along the beach and sleep and cuddle in his arms. Ek. I WANT him. But of course chris. You have to live in tampa. I can handle long distance? Oh and..I have a feeling bebe and mike dont wanna hang out with me and dont want me to see/meet him. I swear ill cry if i dont meet him tomorrow. ALSO Avril's new song. I actualy got REALLY used to it. And like it...alittle to much. "That's right im the mother fuckin' princess!" We're moving into gracelynns asap. maybe late june... The whole thing is...i HATE how its not going to be OUR house. It'll always be gracelynns. The only thing that will be mine..is my room and stuff in it. NONE of OUR furniture is going....Im leaving this house. and seriously want to cry If you dont believe in ghosts. Dont read ( Read more... ) Im afraid ---------- Noone will talk to me after highschool and ill be like steph and only have my gf...a random whacked friend that i dont really like, and a friend that is somewhere else...like is kaira and tori actualy move to orlando. I know ill always have bebe but i worry amber is going to try cutting ties with me Other than that...graduateing highschool. Is going to be one of the best things ever. And i was nominated for some kind of award. 2 Fix your |Make-up

[07 May 2007|08:13pm] Appointment Date: Tuesday May 15, 2007 Appointment Time: 11:45 AM >.< Someone stole my ID's. and ss card. i hate the world. 3 Fix your |Make-up

[26 Apr 2007|10:28pm] So, Alost of everyone doesnt know. But I've bein writing lately. Ive written almost 30 pages...just insights feelings etc. And i started writing a book. .... I reread it. and kinda like where im going with it. Not that im going to make big money writing or anything. But i'd like to keep it to myself. <3 3 Fix your |Make-up

my life got better in a day [24 Apr 2007|04:21pm] kinda. -me and ambers plans are back on. graduation practices she's picking me up and were hanging out. Graduation day she offered to pick me up and take me...my dad and gracelynn could worry about veronicas dance. Then that night. Im going to go with amber to wherever. -We're going to apply to aegis with amber. we're gunna get shifts together. and work our asses off. And im quiting quiznos. and she MIGHT quit CVS for aegis. and dave will probably move in with us. which i dont find bad at all...he cleaned up and everything. And amber is responsible and he's getting a job...somewhere lol. I forgot the name. -brittany was happy about the plans cause apparently im one of the few friends of ambers that she's good with. Which im happy about. -umm sikka doesnt hate me and wants to hang out. -im doing good in my classes except for american gov. and ASL. ...yeah ASL. Im never there. Always late. About everyday. Im failing. Just yeah. and Ms. franklin is a bitch...enough said. - I just read this thing jess wrote...."you can do anything you set your mind to tasha is a fuck tard she knows nothing about real life that's outside her own never ever lestion to her she likes to put others down so she can be put up" -me and veronica are doing better. but that wont change my decision to get an appt. Make-up

[23 Apr 2007|01:45pm] I COULDVE bought a really cheap dress But i didnt. I had no money to do anything. ....I hate that i wanted to go so bad....and what makes me more sad is that it wasnt our group of friends. I wish i went with thomas I wish i dressed up with everyone. for fucking graduation...were ALL hanging out together afterwards. No matter what...seriously. I dont know...I guess i should let go of kristin sikka and amber. Cause noone tried to hang out with me...I guess they just dont. and i dont know. Steph didnt even care that i wasnt there for her birthday. and all this depresses me. I cant stop fucking crying and i have to go to work. Fucking a. I want to get this school year over with already. It slowed the fuck down now that its towards the end. I dont even care if i pass with D's. I just want to walk. :-( 3 Fix your |Make-up

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